I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
