he shaved USA in his pubs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
