i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
