I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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