dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
