you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
