Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
