Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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