corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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