Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
