My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
