You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
