I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
