anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
