Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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