sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
