Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
