I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
