the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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