I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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