Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Randomize
