you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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