I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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