White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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