you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
