sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
