and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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