Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
