I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize