i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
