and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
