please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
