I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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