she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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