anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
