this beer tastes like vomit already
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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