I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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