got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
