Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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