Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
