how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
this is an emotional support booty call
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
