I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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