and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize