she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
