What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
