I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
