We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
