The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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