i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
