Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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