Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize