Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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