I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
