I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
