dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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